Nov 26, 2013 - Communication    1 Comment

Target: Vary sentence structure and use semi colons

I woke up on Sunday morning to a beautiful sunny day, it was the day of the meeting. The plan for the building of the windmill would be put to the vote. All the other animals and I shuffled into the barn in front of Snowball and Napoleon. Snowball came up with the idea for the windmill and was, very convincingly, arguing for its construction. However, Napoleon strongly disagreed with Snowball; he opposed the building of the windmill, saying it was nonsense and useless. I wasn’t sure who I agreed with, but I knew that I had to decide today.

As we all made our way into the barn, I stood with the other pigs at the very front. Snowball began to speak to us about how the windmill would benefit us and the farm. He spoke very passionately of different advantages to his plan. He was continually interrupted by the sheep’s bleating and eventually I couldn’t take it anymore, I stood up and shouted at them to quiet down. Once they were quiet Snowball continued to claim that the windmill would improve the farm’s productivity. I found myself agreeing with Snowball and many of the other animals were nodding their heads in agreement too.

After Snowball had concluded his speech, Napoleon stood up and stated quietly ‘This plan is nonsense, the windmill would be useless and why any of you would vote for it is beyond me.’ Napoleon sat back down and didn’t seem to care what any of us thought, or even for that matter, what Snowball thought. Snowball was incensed with Napoleon’s words, he sprung to his feet shouting over the sheep; he spoke of electricity, electricity that would power all of our machines. An easier life, a better life for all of the animals and I. We knew who was going to win this vote, Snowball, the windmill would be built after this. Just as we broke into support for Snowball and the windmill, Napoleon stood up, he took one look at Snowball and screeched. A terrible, high pitched screech that silenced all of us.

As silence fell upon the barn, nine terrifying dogs dashed for Snowball; they chased him out of the barn and I ran out of the barn to see if Snowball would survive. Snowball was running fast but the dogs were faster and were gaining on him. Suddenly, Snowball slipped and I was sure he would die, then and there, in the jaws of the dogs. They snapped they’re jaws onto his tail and pulled; Snowball jumped up and whisked his tail free just in time to escape the dogs. Before any of us knew it, he was gone, through a hole in the hedge never to be seen again.

1 Comment

  • Hello Jack,

    I really like the way you have carefully embedded indirect speech within this; it is a difficult technique but you do it well. Your piece moves an effective pace and your selection of vocabulary is consistent throughout. Well done.

    Target: Look at your third paragraph – how might you avoid your repetition of the words ‘Snowball’ and ‘windmill’?

    What advantages does third person offer over first person, if any? Thoughts?

    Thanks,

    Mr North

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