My final draft?

I still have a few questions. I want to explore the best way to express the connection between the two characters as he hugs her. I really can’t place the best way for him to enter her narrative and leave so quickly. Also, I was wondering if there needed to be another line from the suicidal character before the blackout and the ‘suspended in the void’ lines. This may help to indicate what’s happened, something that would imply that he is committing suicide more strongly than the ‘falling’ later. My hope is that the confusion should be lifted by the ‘falling’ lines and that what’s happened should become clear here, not for the confusion to take over and blind the reader from using what is given to piece together what is happening. It’s a fine line and I really want to get it right. I want people to understand it but I don’t want it to be simplistic, I want to there to be some element of a reveal in the ‘falling’.

14 second draft